I don’t know if it is a chemical thing, or processing going on in my brain, or just what we used to refer to as “bio-rhythms”. I have just been out of sorts lately. When I am like this, even the not-bad stuff has a murky pall hanging over it and I have this lingering feeling that things are falling apart. It is not logical. It is really annoying. But it is still present and it grabs me and holds me down.
A few bad things have happened, not to my mother, but within the family. My daughter was fired from her job because her new manager did not feel she was in line with her new, unarticulated vision. She couldn’t justify a performance-based firing, so she was honest about it. It was probably for the best, but my daughter is hurting, lonely for her friends at work, and worried about her financial future. We are hurting for her and mostly powerless to help. We’ll scrape together money when/if she needs it, although I am anticipating all the awkward strings that come attached and the resentments they cause.
We had a large, unexpected repair bill that should not have occurred and we are angry and frustrated by it. We feel a bit betrayed that a very expensive purchase that was giving us a lot of joy suddenly turned sour.
Mother is doing fine, although the nursing home recently changed her antidepressant medication because she’d been getting very upset and weeping. It’s been a couple weeks and when I’ve seen her lately, her eyes seem watery and rimmed and she is very sleepy. I don’t know what I should do – anything?
There are good things, too. My two bands are enjoyable and gearing up for fall concerts. Our church fundraiser went well, with huge effort by my husband. Everyone is healthy, with the exception of my sister’s Parkinson’s that is slowly progressing. She told me about it yesterday and it slid on top of my other worries like one more pancake on the stack.
It all just makes me feel heavy and dull. I read a book I bought this week, but it was probably a poor choice. It is called, “Room”, and is about a boy raised for 5 years imprisoned with his mother in a shed by the man who’d abducted her. It gets past their escape and moves on to the adjustments he has to make as he is introduced to “outer space.” It was a good story, but it also left me with a creepy feeling. I think I need a good dose of comedy or something to bring me out of this mood. People need me and I can’t sink into self-centered depression.